How To Carolyn Coyne - This is How We Mother

Name:
Carolyn Coyne
 
Current/Most Recent Occupation: 
Director NA Marketing, Meta Inc
 
# of Children:
2, ages 11 and (almost) 8
 
What do you love about being a working mom?
I love that I get to have two jobs…one that taps into heart and one that fires up my brain…and I get to bring the lessons from work, home with me; and lessons from home, to work with me. Also, I love that I show my kids one of the many things they can do in their future. I see that they aspire to be working adults because of the example I'm setting…they can’t wait for their first job….and that feels really good.

Last week I came down to the playroom (which also happens to be my remote office). They were playing “work”. They set up their own desks complete with my wireless keyboard and mouse, and nabbed my Portal for their screen. One of the kids was on a pretend work call, giving feedback on a campaign, and the other was on a Video Call (VC), while being interrupted by one of their kids. They were having the best time pretending to be “Mom”…a multi-tasking, competent, hard working parent and employee.

I also love that when I pick my kids up after a super intense day of work, they always tell me I look amazing when my makeup has worn off, and my energy has been spent on countless calls and meetings.

Last one, but maybe the most poignant for me:

I’m a good parent…I do the best I can…but I'm not always confident in my parenting…sometimes I don’t feel awesome at being a parent.  Sometimes I feel like I am a real failure with parenting.

Like when Im trying to get the kids out the door in the morning, and it turns into a big fight, and my resiliency is a 2/10, because I’ve got to present to a VP 15 mins from when I drop off the kids. With work, I get to show up, be good at what I do, be on time, finish what I start, and feel momentary success… I get a little confidence, reset and show up a little stronger and more resilient than before.  I love that they see me show up every day for work despite maybe not always wanting to, and I love that they see the challenges and the upsides of working hard. 

What is the biggest challenge of being a working mom? 
Judging myself and comparing myself …for putting work before my kids, prioritizing work calls over breakfast on the table, for not having time to volunteer at school, or be the softball coach; for rarely siting down to have dinner together, because neither my husband or I can get it together by the time they need to eat; that their hair is unbrushed, that I forget their water bottle or entire lunch because I’ve got calls all morning.

I feel like judging isn’t unique to working moms…this judging thing seems to be common ground for a lot of parents I talk to. 

If you had a magic wand, what would change about working mom life?
I would be able to detach from all the stress of expectation that I put on myself at work and at home…and feel deep down that I'm doing my best…and all is ok. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of that magic wand, and I’m waving it and its the best thing ever. 

What tips do you have for other working moms? 
It's ok. Im telling you (and myself)…it's all ok. It's ok if you forget, if you are late, if you don’t volunteer, or don’t get them into sports or theatre, community service, camping or art…it's ok that they are on screens more than they “should” be…It's all ok.

I’d love to say…stop judging yourself.  And stop judging other moms too. Everyone is doing the best they can…for real.

And be in it together with the other parents…if you have a minute, be the parent that helps out another one who is struggling…especially the single parents…its tough out there raising kids, and if we want to raise the next generation of kind, smart, collaborative, supportive and independent human beings, then I can’t think of a better thing to model for our kids than love and support for one another.

Any relationship tips for working moms?
Don’t forget your partner is not your employee at home…when I'm in the middle of driving a big initiative or launch, I am used to leading, making decisions, delegating, providing feedback…and sometimes I bring that mode with me into the household, and start making decisions without checking with my husband, delegating to him, giving him unsolicited feedback.

This doesn’t bode well for anyone in our household, and drives a nice wedge into the connection we work so hard to make.

What's the best piece of advice your own mother gave you?
I can’t recall specific advice…but I will say that my mother was an incredible example of detaching and letting me have my own experience in life. As the youngest of 9, she couldn’t afford to invest in every whim of mine, every emotion and every conflict I had…she didn’t have the bandwidth to become enmeshed with my issues with friends and boyfriends…but she was a constant in my life, there for me whenever I needed her, always doing little things in the background to support me and help me be the independent and empathetic person I am today.

What stresses you out?
I wish I could say I don’t “stress”…because I know living in a state of stress, ages me more than anything else I could do.

I definitely do the stress thing.

I have found that I thrive in stress sometimes. When I'm under a deadline, when things are chaotic…I am in my element. I fire up my adrenal glands, figure out what needs to happen, when, and get it done. And that’s great for work…but not necessarily for my family.

When I stress around my kids and husband, the whole family stresses…and the energy in the house gets amped, and my kid who struggles with regulating doesn’t respond well, and my other kid who has a lot of anxiety gets more anxious, and my husband is stuck trying to calm everyone down.

Bigger picture stress…I have stress and worry about the future of my kids. For all the obvious reasons…but also because I have a non-binary child…and I stress about setting them up for success now, so that when they are not in our little protected cocoon, they will be successful and happy.

Oh, and being late. Being a working parent…I find it incredibly difficult to be on time and that always stresses me out.

How do you mother yourself? 
I know that if my spirit isn’t well taken care of…then I won’t be able to show up as my best self…so all the things Im supposed to do…meditation, writing, walking, exercise, eating well, therapy, taking my vitamins, well, they really do work.

When my kids see my mothering myself, my hope is that they will take care of themselves too.

How and why do you use CBD? 
I'm a little bit of a CBD novice…so I don’t have a ton of experience with it….however, I’ve used a lot of balms to relieve aches and pains overtime that keep coming with age. 

I will also shamelessly plug Motherbar as I just love the presence it enables through the gorgeous scent and taste, and feel…all of it. It's such a lovely way to just take a moment for me.

Please use CAROLYNC at checkout for 20% off your order of Moment CBD mints made for working moms like Carolyn who believe in showing yourself grace, compassion, and forgiveness on your journey to "do it all."